Useless Charts Every Writer Needs

I thought it was important to create a few charts to properly visualize many well known writing conventions. Here are a few just to get started. I guarantee that these will make you ten times the writer you might have been in a quantum state of super position within the core of Jupiter’s metallic hydrogen layer.

The Beer and Weed Inspiration Chart:

beer chart

The Daily “Fucks” Capacity Chart

fucks

The Coffee Intake to Mood Chart:

coffee chart

Bad writing tips: Landing an agent

Landing an agent

Nothing is more important to an aspiring writer with a shitty manuscript than trying to land an agent who would rather rip their heart out than represent them. Some might say that is not the best attitude to have about it, but screw them. That’s about how you feel isn’t it? That’s how all bad writers feel. How many rejection letters to your literary queries are you up to? 10? 15? 50? The short answer is, not enough. You need help landing an agent.

So with this in mind I want to explore the topic a little. Here’s a few sure fire ways to land an agent, and a little insight in to their thought process. Remember, this information is 100% correct, grains of salt be damned. You can take this to the bank. Let’s help you land an agent! (or not)

Bad : Agents love when you to stalk them, tell them how cute their kids are, and that you can’t wait to see them after school.

 

Bad : All literary rejections are personal attacks against your character, writing prowess, and ability at Words with Friends.

 

Bad #writingtips: Holding long lost sex tapes of literary agents for blackmail is a sure fire way to land a three book deal!

 

Bad #writingtips: Query letters to literary agents should always open with: “You’ll fucking love this.”

 

Bad : Query letters to literary agents should never open with: “In a world where tacos have declared war on hamburgers…”

 

Bad : Rejection and doubt are normal when starting your writing career. Know, that when agents reject you, you are worthless.

 

Bad : Literary agents delight in rejecting your manuscripts. No one else’s. Just yours. They got the memo. You suck.

 

Bad : Did I mention two books, one cup?

 

Landing an agent can be a difficult process. But don’t fret, we’re all in this together.

I’ll return again soon with more ways to destroy your writing career before it even starts. Because who wants to be successful, when you can just be bad?

– J Fitzpatrick Mauldin @jfmauldin

Bad #writing tips, a bad writer

You want tips on being the best writer? Want to see yourself at the top of the New York Times best seller’s list making mad cash? Want to get a little trim at cons and book signings when the spouse isn’t looking? Ey? Ey? *raises eyebrows*

Well then don’t look here, you asshole. Go check out www.terribleminds.com or www.writersdigest.com. They have good advice on how to make it work. I’m here to tell you all about what you should rather do if you want to be a bad writer, and in all genres, categories, and sub dimensions. Here are just a few to get your bad writing career started! (Don’t worry, I’m good at being bad so I’ll have more later. That’s what Twitter is for.)

1.Bad #writingtips: If you want to sound smart as a writer, make sure all your characters have names no one can remember.

 

2. Bad #writingtips: Polish your manuscript by printing it out on paper, and then using a tub of Turtle Wax and a shammy cloth.

 

3. Bad #writingtips: During sex scenes, describe sounds as vividly as possible. Especially the sucking ones.

 

4. Bad #writingtips: Adverbs are the most useful modifiers at your disposal. Use often as they sloppily strengthen your poorly chosen verbs.

 

5. Bad #writingtips: When speculating in fiction, always use a speculum.

 

6. Bad #writingtips: To finish your manuscript, preheat oven to 350 degrees and bake for 20-45 minutes. Garnish with whiskey.

 

7. Bad #writingtips: It’s okay to have sexual fantasies about your characters. Just know,they don’t really love you, they’re just using you.

 

8. Bad #writingtips: Novels should have no fewer than 7 points of view, one for every voice screaming in your head.

 

9. Bad #writingtips: Truth only gets in the way of good storytelling. For every fact you add to your narrative, create sixteen lies.

 

10. Bad #writingtips: Writing can only be done on Fridays from 6am to 7. All other times should be devoted to ego stroking and self destruction.

 

Don’t forget, beauty is fleeting, but ugly is forever. Be a bad writer, or don’t, I don’t really care. I just want to eat ice cream, say fuck it to my Vegan diet, and read scifi and fantasy novels all day while my kid plays with Legos and my wife props up against me. That’s the life.

– j. f. mauldin