Bad writing tips: Landing an agent

Landing an agent

Nothing is more important to an aspiring writer with a shitty manuscript than trying to land an agent who would rather rip their heart out than represent them. Some might say that is not the best attitude to have about it, but screw them. That’s about how you feel isn’t it? That’s how all bad writers feel. How many rejection letters to your literary queries are you up to? 10? 15? 50? The short answer is, not enough. You need help landing an agent.

So with this in mind I want to explore the topic a little. Here’s a few sure fire ways to land an agent, and a little insight in to their thought process. Remember, this information is 100% correct, grains of salt be damned. You can take this to the bank. Let’s help you land an agent! (or not)

Bad : Agents love when you to stalk them, tell them how cute their kids are, and that you can’t wait to see them after school.


Bad : All literary rejections are personal attacks against your character, writing prowess, and ability at Words with Friends.


Bad #writingtips: Holding long lost sex tapes of literary agents for blackmail is a sure fire way to land a three book deal!


Bad #writingtips: Query letters to literary agents should always open with: “You’ll fucking love this.”


Bad : Query letters to literary agents should never open with: “In a world where tacos have declared war on hamburgers…”


Bad : Rejection and doubt are normal when starting your writing career. Know, that when agents reject you, you are worthless.


Bad : Literary agents delight in rejecting your manuscripts. No one else’s. Just yours. They got the memo. You suck.


Bad : Did I mention two books, one cup?


Landing an agent can be a difficult process. But don’t fret, we’re all in this together.

I’ll return again soon with more ways to destroy your writing career before it even starts. Because who wants to be successful, when you can just be bad?

– J Fitzpatrick Mauldin @jfmauldin